Trying is the first step towards failure.
Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Music is what's painting inside you.
If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Hey, can you take the wheel for a second, I have to scratch my self in two places at once.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.